I feel as if the doors have closed too soon, and yet I am still standing in the frame, wincing as the click nips my nose and pinches me into reality.
School is over, and I thought I would feel happy, relieved, relaxed. Yet, as the final bell rang, and I rushed out the Artic-ice-cold classroom, I did not feel happy, relieved, nor relaxed. Instead, I felt lost.
For the first time in a year, I have in front of me, a large expanse of time. And with that time, I find myself confused as to how to use it. I haven’t had time, for anything, in a year. The standing mixer I so cherished for my 13th birthday, sits dusty as I haven’t baked for pleasure in a year. The piano haunts me, as I sit in the dining room and complete my homework, keys untouched because I haven’t had time to play piano for pleasure in a year. My body aches, my lungs burn, each time I run out of spite and frustration, because I haven’t properly exercised in a year. I haven’t done these things in a year because I haven’t had the time. I haven’t had the time for myself, I haven’t had the time to sit down, to think about what I am doing to make me happy. I haven’t had the time to simply be myself. My life has been structured by school, and clubs, and testing, and writing, that I find myself somehow disheveled in this vast storm and suddenly, now that the storm has finished, I feel alone because I do not have that storm.
For a whole year, I haven’t had time to relax, to do anything for fun. For a whole year, I based my life off of checklists, planning, and a textbook. For a whole year, I haven’t been myself.
And now that I do have the opportunities to play piano, to bake, to run, I don’t know how. I feel as though if I do not fill all the time I have with something productive, something that will pay off in the future, I feel like nothing.
I don’t take joy in watching television for hours on end. I don’t take joy in simply sitting and doing nothing.
I feel uncomfortable, in fact, if I do those things. I feel uncomfortable if I relax.
People tell me I have “no chill,” and I laugh and agree. But little do they know, the validity of that statement. I don’t know how to “chill” how to “relax.”
But I will.
Because this summer, I will find myself, I will be happy. I will lose the tension off my shoulders, the surmounting lists of things I have to do coiled inside my brain. I will run, and run, for miles on end. I will read my favorite Harry Potter books at the beach. I will go and learn how to paint. I will learn yoga, and practice the art of relaxation and breathing. I will take on exercise classes, I will change my body yet again. I will learn to cook more and more things, and I will bake to my heart’s content. I will learn Fantasie Impromtu on the piano and I will learn all of my favorite Disney songs. I will clean my room and shine my windows, to let the sunlight permeate my skin. I will go on a hike, I will kayaking, I will go camping and count the twinkling stars in the sky. I will laugh, cry, and sing. I will spend time, just talking and talking to my Mother because I haven’t truly done that in a while, and I really miss her. And most of all, I will sleep, because sleeping cures the troubles that I have, sleeping allows me to escape from my restless mind.
I will relax this summer.
And when summer is over, I will go back to the hell hole. But I will go back, knowing that I am truly myself, ready to take on a different challenge.